Obsession and Expectation

Something is really wrong with me for the past few weeks. That might have sounded like a one-off statement, so for some justification which I would need in time to come, let me just list down why:

• I haven’t been keeping up with my fitness plans and get lazy to work out.
• I’m getting really short-tempered, cultivated poor patience and high sensitivity.
• I can’t get my act right, get grumpy and keep staying negative.
• I think I’m obsessed with life and what I want to do in future.
• I’ve been very much a workaholic in NS which is a magnetic pull in me.
• I’ve been lazing around too much and getting too little out of life.
• Gratification seems the way I want to live my life now but I know it shouldn’t be.
• Yes, we tend to see our dreams faraway, and forget the beauty of nearby things. But gratification isn’t!
• I’ve been expecting too much from myself. Expectation provides aspiration and desperation.
• I’m not being myself. I’ve been too used to putting on a mask and pretend nothing happened.
• At the end of the day, I try to blame something or someone else, and then make empty promises to myself.

I keep telling myself to follow through what I want – to have the best possible, most desirable lifestyle. But I keep giving in to distractions that will sway me away from that goal. Well, whatever happened to the resilience I once had? Probably I really lack a true purpose in life. Since I found a pseudo one in making myself more intellectual in preparation for the next phase of my life, I became obsessed with it and I lost the ability to truly enjoy life as it is, and to do things at discreet pleasure.

Obsession is probably an example of my passion gone bad. I used to have great goals and interests in life, but I would accomplish them in moderation and handle-able rates of advancement, not like what I am now. That, I believe, is truly leading an active life. Not when aspiration becomes obsession, and then obligation.

And I am someone who expects a lot from myself. Really, really, a lot. As an individual, there are no two ways around hard work, dedication, quality of work, standards and excellence. I play Einstein’s “excellence is a habit, not an act” in myself, but that is what that has been killing me too. It seems as if that I could never attain that and that could never apply to me.

But I am still confident I am beyond mediocre. I am beyond exceptional. I am beyond the standards any T/D/H in the market could produce. But there is a time for everything. There is a time for hard work, a time for enjoyment, a time to waste my youth away. To be outstanding I have to make some sacrifices, but not to an already unstable emotional state that deserves the best at its prime.

活到老,学到老

Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong had just delivered his National Day Rally about 12 hours back, before I overheard a comment by the cleaning aunty in my office this morning that I believe he would dread hearing too. She was talking to an external instructor, who’s an acquaintance, and overhearing this put me into total despair, disdain, disbelief, and discontent.

Hokkien: Tak simi ce? Mian tak ce lah, eh zo gang tio ho.
Chinese: 读什么书? 不用读啦,会做工就好.
English: Study for what? No need lah, can do work, good enough.

PM just highlighted the importance of citizens and residents across all age groups and socioeconomic backgrounds in our generation being resilient and ever willing to learn, unlearn, and relearn, in order to stay competitive worldwide. It is such blacksheep, in my opinion, that impede this process of staying strong to brave through the storm of changing landscapes.

In his NDR, PM even addressed in particular the importance of keeping the “活到老,学到老” attitude among the elderly fraternity, and even cited three examples of role models. This is the most vulnerable group to the skills crisis, and they would be the ones who drag the entire society down if they don’t stay relevant, competitive, and self-sustainable.

If you’re worrying I’m sweeping it across the board, the context is: she was given a chance to upgrade and stay at where she used to work at (where she met this other middle-aged man as an acquaintance), but she apparently did not and downplayed the necessity to do so. Some might argue she would just want to lead a simple life till retirement – granted. But the attitude she is portraying doesn’t seem so. She seems to be happy with the status quo, and that shouldn’t be the case.

Every citizen, young or old, capable or  incompetent, has a part to play to help Singapore forge ahead within choppy waters and unclear outlooks. No sailor on board a ship should stop at simply completing his job in rough seas and disobedient winds, and this has to come down all the way from the captain on a with a crew of 5,000,000.

Dazeeeeeeeeee.

Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to attend the Army Daze 25th Anniversary Musical held at the Drama Centre Theatre at the National Library, on Saturday, 25th August. A remake of the popular hit movie in the 1980s, it was, among other things, hilarious, enjoyable, light-hearted, and most of all, uniquely Singaporean.

The pre-show etiquette announcement was already full of atmosphere; and while trying their best to keep the classic jokes from the original movie, modern contexts were input for the younger ones. That way, they made it relevant and prevented it from looking like an ancient show.

What struck a little was the sudden turn of events after the intermission, where the characters got into conflicts which wasn’t shown in the movie. It appears, at least to me, as a subtle political tool to reemphasise the importance of serving NS to the younger ones in the crowd when the characters were encouraging one another with ‘politically-correct’ sounding words.

In any way, the loveable part about such plays is that they always allow us, the audience, to walk away not just feeling Singaporean, but identifying ourselves as Singaporean too. There was strong nationalism involved when the songs about the “Filipina Army” and “从大陆来的人” were implying heavy connotations about the roles of foreigners here and the parts they play in defending our country.

There is a huge difference in my emotions watching the play, and via the screen both before and after I wore green. Besides being able to relate truly to those jokes and mili-linguistics, I found that while all along I knew I could change lives, now that just reinforced it. Having a good laugh over something I’ll look back after decades and still have that same smirk – priceless.

Time and Attainment (1)

Surreality

It’s rather surreal – it’s as if it’s yesterday when I first enlisted, and now I’m four months to discharge. Yes, it’s as cliche as it can get, probably because I (and many of us) will probably just be another story in this journey taken already by 900,000 of our sons.

Time pasts really fast. Within 18 hours I would end my final confinement period. That means no more weekends in camp where we have only 7 instructors and say, 20 recruits? No more weekends burnt and feeling really down about it. No more weekends in camp to enjoy the silence and reflect. Yes, if in the right frame of mind, I’ll have all my Saturdays and Sundays from now on. But that means time has come to a bittersweet juncture for me.

I’ve come so far in my NS journey. I shall not dwell upon the details, but in particular in IMOS, having gone through all four compulsory confinements with up to 14 weekend days gone, and 85 duties and 20 admins, it’s about time. I’m left with about 12/6 or thereabouts. Looking back, the feelings that engulf is beyond words. I won’t miss the place, people, or sights, as much as I probably would miss the reality itself.

And as for attainment, I’ve attained a whole lot. But what is it have I truly attained? I sort of regret not enjoying each and every moment of NS, and it seems like the greatest attainment would be an effortless wait for that date to come. Is that all I want to chronicle as my sole attainment? Probably not. Many other intangible benefits with the most salient being maturity, I guess.

 

A Nation’s Celebration

I’m currently blogging this from camp. Slightly more than 24 hours, I was in the heart of the country, celebrating with hearts across the country. Yes, you may hereby consider me one of the luckiest 27,000 Singaporeans this year who got to watch the actual day of NDP 2012.

It is never a boring affair to watch Singapore’ NDPs, be it live or on screen. I went this time with my brother, packed some fast food, and proceeded in for the queue. All around the MBFP area were volunteers and SAF personnel, which made me wonder why am I not part of it. Either way, let’s get to that later.

What we saw at the queue area was basically the epitome of ‘the Singaporean model’ – people slipping in between others in queue whenever they could, pushing and shoving, holding family meetings across the barriers, worrying out loud about their concerns for the event and what-nots, etc., all of which I immediately chronicled mentally. Even in a mood of national celebration, have we been that seasoned to always get the best out of every situation and not just enjoy the moment? Well, that seems to be the case. But it is this very characteristic among us that put our 47-year-old tiny red dot on the world map.

We had strategically planned our route of advancement impromptu, so it was a combination of luck and sheer skill and agility that we got from home-MRT-station to stand in less than 90 minutes. As per usual brotherly practice, we discussed on the next course of action 15 minutes in advance, were alert for quick routes and overtaking lanes, and showed total interest only in parade and ceremony. So yes, nothing else very much bothered.

The atmosphere around the event area did not very much bring up a celebratory mood in me, but rather a more melancholic one. With so many of my peers, seniors, elders and others in society participating in NDP (and I actually met a few friends and even a colleague), it really made me wonder why am I a spectator when I can contribute to the nation’s largest event every year. To me, it’s one of the highest callings to do so. I later convinced myself that my turn will come, and that these two years in NS ought to be a blackout period for me. But once I ORD, the chances of participating in NDP would be rather limited, and so would the types of openings. In any way possible, it would still remain as one of my aims in the near future.

National identity isn’t very easy to come by. Having interacted with so many NSFs full of dissent and disdain with the nation for putting their life plans on hold, many of whom would take a private jet out of Singapore at all costs in wartime, I find an even greater sense of identity within myself and this nation. And going through NS and learning how to bear arms to protect my country if it calls for me, I know I would. In peacetime, rising up to the nation’s call would be to provide all I could for the only annual event that reinforces national belonging for my countrymen from all walks of life. There’s always a deep link between national identity and the military – those who have served would concur; those who haven’t will feel it for themselves in due time.

On the civilian side, I’m actually quite pleased to see that truly patriotic Singaporeans at the Bay. But where did they find their patriotism? From the stability, security, and the providence of a platform to realise their dreams? Then they are very wrong. It has to be something intangible – for instance, for the fact that this is where I am born and I will belong. It’s that simple. I can’t explain why, but that’s just why I would risk my life in war.

I am, on the other hand, 0.5/10 appalled seeing foreigners at the NDP. I admit I am slightly xenophobic (more like xeno-hatric) when it comes to this touchy issue, but I believe it should be an event purely for Singaporeans (with the exception of high commissioners and consulates of course). Should I go for a next NDP, I sincerely hope not to sight any Caucasians or Chinese mainlanders within the area. It just, in my opinion … does not feel right.

Whichever the case, our country will continue, at its best attempt with concerted efforts from all policymakers and citizens, to grow fro strength to strength. All these slight unhappiness at the MBFP are inevitable, but could surely be mitigated with that extra mile by every single stakeholder. I am confident, sure, and convinced that we will get there, just like how we got here in the first place.

Week 31

Took compassionate leave from this virtual location for survival-pivotal obligations of late. I’ve been up to a rather eventful week, coming to an end soon:

Monday 30/07 and Tuesday 31/07
Typical in camp day except with a documentary-filled course. It was great taking time away from work to watch some documentaries educative on disasters and failures of the past century, and the best part – skipping Tuesday’s 7km run (which I think I would rather participate). Missed my Monday BTT which means I have to book it all over again. Oh why must I always learn the hard way. It was an instance of human-neuro failure once again, and it has not been the virgin occurrence.

Wednesday 01/08
An elation-filled six hours of roaming around the island. I went first to NYJC where I met, in chronological order, Mr Seah MY, Ms Ng SH, Mr A Tan, Mr Sequeira, Mr G Tay, Mr A Low, Mr R Bong, Mr Leong CM and Mrs Chan KL. Rather delighted to have met almost all teachers possible despite having no signal from them. Well, that’s coincidence I guess. Went to GESS after taking a stroll around the campus, where I caught up with Mr Ang GC, Mr AJ and Mr Chan CL. And I’m glad I made clear my future plans to my former teachers, all of whom would, I suppose, be sufficiently glad that I’ve come so far. And visiting almas mater never fail to give a feeling of nostalgia – be it amongst the people, places or culture. Like I mentioned on Twitter,

@kohkl: You can never feel the exam mood in #NYJC.

Indeed. Times change, people change – students might be more ambitious or jovial, have more substance or less. NYJC can be going into an academic fixation cycle; or GESS might be on an aspiration decline spiral for all I care. Some things never erode over time – I just get that ever-familiar feeling – that gentle gust of bittersweet emotions blowing right into your heart, yet stopping by my ear to tell me that there’s no going back, as I walked past places that once bore large significance in my life, and the life that used to be.

Thursday 02/08 and Friday 03/08
In the opinions of many, returning to camp on the former was redundant and, like many other command directions in the armed forces, corrodes efficiency and was totally uncalled for. That day was critical for me in completing everything needed to finish running this course smoothly, ensures administrative prudence and diligence, and there is still more to complete today and tomorrow. As per usual, I procrastinated much and ended up squeezing all the work within minutes.

Friday made me discover an incumbent  issue with my environment and myself. Once again, I found myself misaligned with many others around me, but they were likely misaligned with the organisation in the first place. To me,

One conducts himself parallel to three directions: (1) That of the organisation, (2) That of the higher command, (3) Nothing.

I know I can’t expect everyone to have the same mindset. But I just can’t comprehend this commitment and professionalism projection issue going on within those who seem to not bother. So what if it’s something you’re not predisposed to? But excellence is a habit, not an occurrence. Yes, I’m someone who really cannot tolerate nonchalance and unprofessional behaviour. Really.

Saturday 04/08
We were having a discussion about how children of lower-educated backgrounds might end up with life and career prospects similar to those of their parents. It’s very much a culture and mindset problem that gives rise to such a viscous loop – one in which focuses are vastly different from those we are predisposed to. Eugenics must come into the equation to, so will opportunities and the mental model instilled in the child. It’s sadly true and real, and the rest of society can’t do anything about it. It’s up to them to fight for themselves, as much as the community would encourage them to.

Time

July is about to be over, all in the blink of an eye. And that’s one more month down in NS. The closer we get to the much anticipated date of liberation, the more I think and ponder over the reason people just want time to past so quickly in these two years, yet so aimlessly and unfulfillingly.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like NS too. But along with it comes some exposure to working life, some free-of-charge benefits and facilities, and most materialistically, pay for doing virtually nothing on some days. That’s what I’ll treasure in the four months to come.

I always have a kind of love-hate feeling when the month gets into the 20-something period. It signifies the end of a certain prescribed period of reverse calculation towards a speculated end-point, yet keeps myself regretting over stupid mistakes done, and in awe of how far I have come and how much I have grown.

From time to time, I also get surprised at the extent simple acts could affect people, be it to me or from me. There have been too many instances and it’s practically impossible to archive them for records. Luckily, the endless servers of the cyberspace did us a good favour. And on our part, what’s integral is that we treasure and cherish such moments.

I tend to get carried away and write a little too much. But I just needed to get these off my chest before I get too thoughtful and start penning down random nonsense in camp late at night again.

Eventful Night.

1. The root cause of all problems is attitude. Of which bad ones breeds anger, which never translate to something good. Why can’t we just make our lives easier?

2. At the end of the day, we will all just become acquaintances who don’t really matter to each other. To be honest, my concern might not be sincere. But would I?

Expression

Writing is how I express myself. I couldn’t express it better (except probably with debates and discussions). I sincerely wish for one day when I do nothing and just sit down and write. And how I wish till that day – when I can forget about meals, forget about sleep, and just write, just express myself. But wishing doesn’t get me anywhere, I have to work for that day. That one day; it will come.

Just in case any of you out there are in doubt.

Confessions of a Workaholic

This is an inherited trait in me – being real hardworking and dedicated to work. I always strive to enure the best standards in work and don’t mind going the extra mile, even in the zero-incentive armed forces. I think it’s just in me that I constantly need to prove myself, which explains why I work so hard.

But I only think I’ve learnt how to take care of myself.

Similarly, in executing a family mission, such character traits do set in as well. The recent house-moving was a salient example. I ensured that everything went in order (as far as I could), carried really heavy loads at high intensity, which led to a sure lack of food, rest and water. To me, the need to speed up processes was really necessary.

But I really need to learn to take care of myself.

Consequentially, I had a sore throat which gave rise to phlegm, in turn causing a runny nose, cough and slightly high body temperatures. I’ve been on medication for about 48 hours now, and tried to restrain of dry food. I sleep a lot in the day, eat little, feel uncomfortable, feel tired and relatively incoherent thought – all the symptoms of sickness. Yet I convince myself it’s not.

Again: I convince myself it’s not.

If I tell myself I’ve fell sick, everything would go into a downward spiral. Duties have to be postponed, work will have to be put on hold. The next week would be really hectic. In order not to tip the stable mechanism of work, I told myself to push on and continue work as per normal.

I’m not making a big deal over it, it’s just because I very seldom fall sick (only two times since 2005).

This whole thing was a good form of training – at least I learnt how to endure some discomfort. I was thinking of my teachers who’ve never took an MC for more than 25 years of their teaching careers. In future, I tell myself, I would need to be like this. I want to be always present, always on the ground, always there for changes, always there for the team. I would lose out a lot if this happens.

I will lose out a lot.