Staying true to self

The past few days haven’t been fruitful.

So after my injury, I went to see my GP on Tuesday (I didn’t really have to hop anymore, as compared to Monday and earlier Tuesday). Got three days of MC and actually resoluted to stay home doing productive things like reading, blogging and writing but ended up watching videos instead. Damn unhealthy, without optical rest and what-nots. As of Wednesday night, I could more or less walk properly, but haven’t did any exercise until now, just to be safe.

At times I feel I just need an outlet for all the pressure in me. Self-induced pressure, highly likely. I’ve been caught in multiple struggles with myself – between gratification and wellness 90% of the time.

I’ve become highly sensitive, easily agitated, and trying very hard to curb my emotions as a result. That’s unhealthy too, I know.

This temporary house seems to have something wrong. I’ve been really lazy, become incoherent, and probably less intelligent both academically and emotionally since we’ve moved here. I just don’t feel right every day, and I need to escape.

I need to escape.

Emotion

Quote

I feel the sudden urge to protect and provide for someone again.

Best dream of my life

Sometimes, what we think we wouldn’t want and need most would just come right there at the moment. And at times, we just couldn’t control it, or resist its strength for that matter. The strength of emotion could at times overpower even those mentally strong and cognitively sophisticated, apparently made ready for such resistance but succumb to it when the time is ripe.

It was a handful of friends on an outing to a rural, mountainous area. I know we could never have this setting in Singapore, but it just somehow occurred here. I couldn’t name a plot location, but just describe it – more than 1000m above sea level, hilly terrain, worn-out houses, narrow roads littered with bicycles and motorcycles, and children playing freely while elderly men work on handicraft or steelworks.

Somehow, sometime through the trip, two of us broke away from the group. We were engrossed in talking about anything under the sun, probably due to the fact that we’ve grown rather close and comfortable with each other. We walked to a gentle slope and she sat down, with me still in awe of the wonderful scenery that view was offering – overlooking the road that could barely allow one vehicle to pass, and a sea view from god-knows-how-many-feet above.

I sat down right next to her. In the background was a magnificent setting sun, and that further catalysed the process of our hearts opening up. We talked about relationships, partners, and how tired life could get; and upon that juncture she lay her head on my shoulder. My heart suffered a spasm and then moved up a gear, not knowing how to react to such situations being single for the past 20 years of my life.

We lazed around for the next few moments, before deciding to make our way back to rejoin everyone else. We went down to walk along the road, and we could both sense that physical vicinity while we tried to get closer to the other party. When crossing a bridge that presides over a 200-feet cliff, I turned her around by the shoulder and looked into her eyes,

“I’ve got something really important all this while I need to tell you.”

She looked back at me, and seemed to have anticipated it without any surprise.

“And that is?”

“We’ve known each other for quite some time, and I couldn’t help but…”

With my hands trembling on her shoulders, she replied with a huge grin,

“Permission granted sir. From today onwards I shall be your girlfriend.”

With immense joy, I immediately took her into my arms with a huge hug. I had to finish my statement:

“I just had to let you know you’ve always been in my heart. I love you.”

We looked at one another, touched each other’s faces for a moment, and with the greatest achievement ever felt in my whole life, I grabbed her by her left hand, and we held hands as we continued walking and with her leaning on me. She wasn’t very pretty, she didn’t have a killer-figure, nor was she outstanding in any way. But at least to me, she was the shiniest star in the night sky, and I’m glad I’ve made the right decision at the right time. Upon reconnection with the group, we looked at one another and blushed amidst the cheering, congratulations and whistle-blowing.

It was the best dream of my life.

Obsession and Expectation

Something is really wrong with me for the past few weeks. That might have sounded like a one-off statement, so for some justification which I would need in time to come, let me just list down why:

• I haven’t been keeping up with my fitness plans and get lazy to work out.
• I’m getting really short-tempered, cultivated poor patience and high sensitivity.
• I can’t get my act right, get grumpy and keep staying negative.
• I think I’m obsessed with life and what I want to do in future.
• I’ve been very much a workaholic in NS which is a magnetic pull in me.
• I’ve been lazing around too much and getting too little out of life.
• Gratification seems the way I want to live my life now but I know it shouldn’t be.
• Yes, we tend to see our dreams faraway, and forget the beauty of nearby things. But gratification isn’t!
• I’ve been expecting too much from myself. Expectation provides aspiration and desperation.
• I’m not being myself. I’ve been too used to putting on a mask and pretend nothing happened.
• At the end of the day, I try to blame something or someone else, and then make empty promises to myself.

I keep telling myself to follow through what I want – to have the best possible, most desirable lifestyle. But I keep giving in to distractions that will sway me away from that goal. Well, whatever happened to the resilience I once had? Probably I really lack a true purpose in life. Since I found a pseudo one in making myself more intellectual in preparation for the next phase of my life, I became obsessed with it and I lost the ability to truly enjoy life as it is, and to do things at discreet pleasure.

Obsession is probably an example of my passion gone bad. I used to have great goals and interests in life, but I would accomplish them in moderation and handle-able rates of advancement, not like what I am now. That, I believe, is truly leading an active life. Not when aspiration becomes obsession, and then obligation.

And I am someone who expects a lot from myself. Really, really, a lot. As an individual, there are no two ways around hard work, dedication, quality of work, standards and excellence. I play Einstein’s “excellence is a habit, not an act” in myself, but that is what that has been killing me too. It seems as if that I could never attain that and that could never apply to me.

But I am still confident I am beyond mediocre. I am beyond exceptional. I am beyond the standards any T/D/H in the market could produce. But there is a time for everything. There is a time for hard work, a time for enjoyment, a time to waste my youth away. To be outstanding I have to make some sacrifices, but not to an already unstable emotional state that deserves the best at its prime.

活到老,学到老

Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong had just delivered his National Day Rally about 12 hours back, before I overheard a comment by the cleaning aunty in my office this morning that I believe he would dread hearing too. She was talking to an external instructor, who’s an acquaintance, and overhearing this put me into total despair, disdain, disbelief, and discontent.

Hokkien: Tak simi ce? Mian tak ce lah, eh zo gang tio ho.
Chinese: 读什么书? 不用读啦,会做工就好.
English: Study for what? No need lah, can do work, good enough.

PM just highlighted the importance of citizens and residents across all age groups and socioeconomic backgrounds in our generation being resilient and ever willing to learn, unlearn, and relearn, in order to stay competitive worldwide. It is such blacksheep, in my opinion, that impede this process of staying strong to brave through the storm of changing landscapes.

In his NDR, PM even addressed in particular the importance of keeping the “活到老,学到老” attitude among the elderly fraternity, and even cited three examples of role models. This is the most vulnerable group to the skills crisis, and they would be the ones who drag the entire society down if they don’t stay relevant, competitive, and self-sustainable.

If you’re worrying I’m sweeping it across the board, the context is: she was given a chance to upgrade and stay at where she used to work at (where she met this other middle-aged man as an acquaintance), but she apparently did not and downplayed the necessity to do so. Some might argue she would just want to lead a simple life till retirement – granted. But the attitude she is portraying doesn’t seem so. She seems to be happy with the status quo, and that shouldn’t be the case.

Every citizen, young or old, capable or  incompetent, has a part to play to help Singapore forge ahead within choppy waters and unclear outlooks. No sailor on board a ship should stop at simply completing his job in rough seas and disobedient winds, and this has to come down all the way from the captain on a with a crew of 5,000,000.

Time and Attainment (1)

Surreality

It’s rather surreal – it’s as if it’s yesterday when I first enlisted, and now I’m four months to discharge. Yes, it’s as cliche as it can get, probably because I (and many of us) will probably just be another story in this journey taken already by 900,000 of our sons.

Time pasts really fast. Within 18 hours I would end my final confinement period. That means no more weekends in camp where we have only 7 instructors and say, 20 recruits? No more weekends burnt and feeling really down about it. No more weekends in camp to enjoy the silence and reflect. Yes, if in the right frame of mind, I’ll have all my Saturdays and Sundays from now on. But that means time has come to a bittersweet juncture for me.

I’ve come so far in my NS journey. I shall not dwell upon the details, but in particular in IMOS, having gone through all four compulsory confinements with up to 14 weekend days gone, and 85 duties and 20 admins, it’s about time. I’m left with about 12/6 or thereabouts. Looking back, the feelings that engulf is beyond words. I won’t miss the place, people, or sights, as much as I probably would miss the reality itself.

And as for attainment, I’ve attained a whole lot. But what is it have I truly attained? I sort of regret not enjoying each and every moment of NS, and it seems like the greatest attainment would be an effortless wait for that date to come. Is that all I want to chronicle as my sole attainment? Probably not. Many other intangible benefits with the most salient being maturity, I guess.

 

Time

July is about to be over, all in the blink of an eye. And that’s one more month down in NS. The closer we get to the much anticipated date of liberation, the more I think and ponder over the reason people just want time to past so quickly in these two years, yet so aimlessly and unfulfillingly.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like NS too. But along with it comes some exposure to working life, some free-of-charge benefits and facilities, and most materialistically, pay for doing virtually nothing on some days. That’s what I’ll treasure in the four months to come.

I always have a kind of love-hate feeling when the month gets into the 20-something period. It signifies the end of a certain prescribed period of reverse calculation towards a speculated end-point, yet keeps myself regretting over stupid mistakes done, and in awe of how far I have come and how much I have grown.

From time to time, I also get surprised at the extent simple acts could affect people, be it to me or from me. There have been too many instances and it’s practically impossible to archive them for records. Luckily, the endless servers of the cyberspace did us a good favour. And on our part, what’s integral is that we treasure and cherish such moments.

I tend to get carried away and write a little too much. But I just needed to get these off my chest before I get too thoughtful and start penning down random nonsense in camp late at night again.

Eventful Night.

1. The root cause of all problems is attitude. Of which bad ones breeds anger, which never translate to something good. Why can’t we just make our lives easier?

2. At the end of the day, we will all just become acquaintances who don’t really matter to each other. To be honest, my concern might not be sincere. But would I?

Expression

Writing is how I express myself. I couldn’t express it better (except probably with debates and discussions). I sincerely wish for one day when I do nothing and just sit down and write. And how I wish till that day – when I can forget about meals, forget about sleep, and just write, just express myself. But wishing doesn’t get me anywhere, I have to work for that day. That one day; it will come.

Just in case any of you out there are in doubt.

Confessions of a Workaholic

This is an inherited trait in me – being real hardworking and dedicated to work. I always strive to enure the best standards in work and don’t mind going the extra mile, even in the zero-incentive armed forces. I think it’s just in me that I constantly need to prove myself, which explains why I work so hard.

But I only think I’ve learnt how to take care of myself.

Similarly, in executing a family mission, such character traits do set in as well. The recent house-moving was a salient example. I ensured that everything went in order (as far as I could), carried really heavy loads at high intensity, which led to a sure lack of food, rest and water. To me, the need to speed up processes was really necessary.

But I really need to learn to take care of myself.

Consequentially, I had a sore throat which gave rise to phlegm, in turn causing a runny nose, cough and slightly high body temperatures. I’ve been on medication for about 48 hours now, and tried to restrain of dry food. I sleep a lot in the day, eat little, feel uncomfortable, feel tired and relatively incoherent thought – all the symptoms of sickness. Yet I convince myself it’s not.

Again: I convince myself it’s not.

If I tell myself I’ve fell sick, everything would go into a downward spiral. Duties have to be postponed, work will have to be put on hold. The next week would be really hectic. In order not to tip the stable mechanism of work, I told myself to push on and continue work as per normal.

I’m not making a big deal over it, it’s just because I very seldom fall sick (only two times since 2005).

This whole thing was a good form of training – at least I learnt how to endure some discomfort. I was thinking of my teachers who’ve never took an MC for more than 25 years of their teaching careers. In future, I tell myself, I would need to be like this. I want to be always present, always on the ground, always there for changes, always there for the team. I would lose out a lot if this happens.

I will lose out a lot.