Writing is how I express myself. I couldn’t express it better (except probably with debates and discussions). I sincerely wish for one day when I do nothing and just sit down and write. And how I wish till that day – when I can forget about meals, forget about sleep, and just write, just express myself. But wishing doesn’t get me anywhere, I have to work for that day. That one day; it will come.
Just in case any of you out there are in doubt.
Been some time since my last post on this blog. Seems like it ain’t easy juggling instructor, admin and support appointments amid writing three blogs at a time and penning down every possible thought that goes through my mind. If that was chronologically feasible, all my neurological processes would have given birth to umpteen 500-page books, one per day.
I love to write. But at times I don’t. I always have lots and lots of emotion and opinion to tell the keyboard, but get stuck with distraction, boredom, time constraints, or simply not knowing how to continue. That’s when the going gets tough, and I must never fail to find that resilience in me to carry on to achieve what I want – to be fluent not just in thought, but in speech, writing and conversing as well. Not just that, there are some tangible benefits out there coupled with a habit of journaling.
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On another note, 7 July 2012 was a rather well-lived, fulfilling day. My uncle had his long-awaited wedding reception that day. Before we cover that, I woke up at 5.30am with the rest of my family for them to proceed to the wedding-day formalities (there were much delivery duties to do before that). I went to camp after that for 1/12 POP, which was really – how would I put it – short and sweet. Short enough, so much so that I could book out at 11.40am.
Went straight to my uncle’s church for a church wedding. It was touching, it was moving, it was one which epitomised all necessary wishes, and extracted all necessary emotions from everyone present. It was so touching that my tears of gold fell too, as with many other relatives. I could totally relate to an uncle who has been through a really tough childhood (as with my mum too), and who finally found his true love. Their expression, their words, their actions and their gratitude towards their parents drove me to tears, any fellow well-wishers as well.
The special thing about this marriage was that my would-be aunt was from Malaysia, and the family culture is really strong. There was ample support from the bride’s family, filling both church and ballroom to the brim and equalling my uncle’s guest turnout. Well, shall look forward to the return leg of the wedding on 21st July at Kuantan. I bet it’ll be similarly heartwarming.
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I guess this was really a day well spent. Oh well, one of the points of life is to spend every day fulfillingly and meaningfully, and make the best out of it, doing things that allow you to move up your own hierarchy of needs. For me, seeing family is a step towards that. But then again, where am I in the hierarchy, and equally importantly, what model am I using?
It’s the end of yet another milestone, and it’s just 15 weeks away from the much coveted, much awaited day. It has come to this juncture when I’m beyond words. I don’t know what to say. The whole experience has just been something rather surreal yet we have simply past it through, just like that.
Sometimes, I feel as if I’m just following through motion. I try to make all these worthwhile, but I see no utility in doing so. We are on the constant lookout for silver linings and incentives and much treasured opportunities to break away from the cycle. From expectations. From duty. From something that doesn’t matter after all these time.
No matter the case, no matter the emotions involved, that day will come. And when it comes, I just hope to look back and tell myself a significant chunk the past 22 months were lived to be fulfilling, and not blindly looking forward to that one day. That fateful day where we all turn back to the past and tell ourselves, our time is over.
However fast it comes, two things. If we love it, cherish it, make the fullest out of it, learn as much in it as possible. If we hate it, do the same. For a day lived is still a day lived. Every day survived is a day closer to whichever we’re looking forward, but the bottomline is that it would be best lived, not survived.
Today I was at CGH sending four trainees to A&E (yes four, an IMOS record probably).
The big deal here was that there were a few children running around the lobby at their fullest speed seemingly in a chasing marathon, screaming their lungs off at sharp, 80dB voices. It was a total externality, one in which I was really tempted to stop. I procrastinated for a while and didn’t do it after all.
I regret for failing to correct what we call by word and by text our already distorted future.
I’ve been rather busy recently with quite a number of things such as 2/12 Enlistment, ever-piling logistics work and the obsession over my new economics blog at http://theaveragedollar.wordpress.com. Some I’m rather passionate over it, while others seem very much to be a chore. Hence I became lacking in helping others. And I’ve been too tired to bother. I’m giving up very much on sleep, and let’s hope it’s all worth it.
I’ve been so busy that I’ve put other larger plans, such as finishing the Thailand chronicle, regular blogging and a larger writing project on hold. Looks like I’ve too much to do, too little time, and I’ll have a lot of writing to do in the future. I hope it’ll be a way of life that I’ll enjoy
I think I’ll most probably be on hiatus until 22 June so that I can focus properly. Oh well, we all have only 24 hours a day and daily decreasing energy due to age.
Come 8 June, it’ll all begin again. One new batch, one new beginning, one new task, all for the last time. Six more months of doing something perceivably unenjoyable.
But as far as I want to enjoy it, I have this feeling it’s going to be rather bad. After all, “Human behaviour is highly selective subject to human-bound environment.” It is the people around me who make the experience worthwhile.
I think I need to be more open-minded and take things in stride. Look at them from another perspective. Be less worked up. Be less sensitive. Simply, be happy.
Exactly seven days from now. It’ll all begin again.
Sundown Marathon 2012 | Saturday 26 May – Sunday 27 May 2012
The longest I’ve ever ran in my life is about 27-30km, in build-ups towards this race. There’s always this contradictory feeling about races in me – let’s just call it the four phases of self denial:
And the same happened for this race. There’s a number (of groups) of close friends running: Ben/Jianan/Rama, Yong Siang/Sheng Rong/Tai Soon, Qijian. Never got to meet any of them before the race to warm up and start together so it was very much a battle on my own.
So I waited for the whole huge crowd to pass before entering the race lane and commencing my run, which was about half an hour after gun time. The first one third of the run was very much overtaking, and a large part of that was done on cross-country terrain (for the fact that the overtaking was done on grass, pavement, rocks, unfinished roads, kerbs and the roads itself). Finished the first 1/3 within 1:10. Didn’t hydrate for very much of the first third until about 12km.
My original plan was to hydrate next at 25km. Then the route became tough. After passing the barrage at 15km with a timing of 1:16, the apparent 6km was hell. Breath didn’t really go out but the aching was taking its toll. Gave up and took a 100plus at 18km. Managed to scrap through 21km at 1:54 and then, behold the long, straight, seemingly endless path. Touched the U-turn point (25km) at around 2:18 and grabbed a gel. To me, it gave more of a mental rather than physical boost. Cramps still set in and the crazy hydration began (so much for hydration discipline).
The gusts raged and the winds roared. Then the rain came. This rain would surely be the epitome of this year’s Sundown, I guess. As much as it was drenching my shoes, it was cooling me down too, mitigating the need for me to remove my shirt (which I think I would have done if not for the rain). But while the breezes were abundant, this segment surely wasn’t a breeze for me. My speed slowed down very much for my heavy shoes and cramps on both thighs, knees and calves. I started to deduct current timing from target, and calculating the per-km time I needed to hit 4:30. It they ranged between 6-min kilometres and 9-min kilometres all the way up to 36km.
The notion of walking set in. “If I have 10 minutes to spare at this speed, maybe I should walk for 1km” was constantly on my mind. But the evil of giving up never won. Well, maybe in life, evil never wins. So I kept telling myself, if I can hit 30km, push the limit to 33km, and if I hit, 33km, push it to 35km, and so on. And surprisingly after 30km there wasn’t a single thought of stopping.
I hit 30km at about 2:53 (I think I missed the sign). That was when I really started contemplating my remaining time and speeds to keep. I even devised a worst-case scenario. Then came the end of ECP at 34km. The last 8km, which did not have a clear distance as it seemed, was one of the longest 8km in my life. The path down seemed fine but that last 8km was bad. Fatigue really kicked in and I was afraid I couldn’t meet my timing. I screwed my hydration discipline and took 2-3 drinks per hydration point. It was only until the last 5km I decided to stop hydrating and focus on finishing it well. 3:45 at 37km, and I knew I was right on track . The last 5km was painful, but not hard to endure at all.
I hereby have one confession to make. I’m a person full of my own pride, and to prove myself to others, and to always be better than others, I felt that need to push myself on. Truth be told, it was my pride and competitiveness inside me that allowed me to finish the race. Without challenges, without glory at stake, without others to feel superior over, I’m now doubting if I could have even finished that 42km.
In numbers – timings
10km – 0:52 | 15km – 1:16 | 21km – 1:54 | 25km – 2:19 | 28km – 2:38 | 33km – 3:10 | 37km – 3:45 | 42km – 4:21 | Target timing – 4:30 | Average rate: About 6min15sec per km
In figures – hydration
12km, 18km, 21km, 25km, 27km, 30km, 32km, 33km, 35km, 37km
In me forever – lessons learnt
1. You just keep pushing yourself on. It’s about constantly pushing your limit up and raising the bar for yourself. Without that, you could never go further and complete more.
2. Pain is temporary, glory is permanent. 4 hours of pain would pay off well.
3. No matter the pain, you have to endure, for this was the path you chose.
12-15 May: Bangkok Trip | Day 1: Saturday 12 May 2012
Implicitly, this trip was one of some firsts. It was essentially the first time I went overseas with only friends, and the first time I stayed in an overseas local residence. The packing for me the night before dragged till 2am, and while the flight was at 9.40am and we were to meet at 7am. And not to anyone’s surprise, I was late as usual.
And so we checked-in, had breakfast in the gate area and then boarded the plane. Well, it seems that it can’t be helped that feelings would be raked elsewhere. But we just let them be,for what would be, would be. Arrived in Bangkok around noon and the six of us had to wait for Pun for an hour, unable to get him through both landline and mobile. Oh, that’s just so Pun. Yes, names in my dictionary, double-up as adjectives.
We tried, by all means, be it handphone, public phone, and finally decided to narrow down our search area. Well, CC seems to have a penchant for being late for meeting timings. Resolution: cab home from the airport.
I must say my first impression of Bangkok isn’t a decent one. First, the airport arrival hall is in a mess with unclear signage and complicated weaving of barriers and escalators. That didn’t really matter, while nothing else shocked me – the surrounding of the airport was representative of a typical Asian middle-income country, and so the transport culture.
Pun’s house was impressive. Almost unprecedented by any within our affordability range in Singapore, about 4000 sqft of land area, garage fit for two or three cars, and a three-storey house with five or six bedrooms and ample of space, nice furnishing and amenities. Then we promptly settled down, met his mum who was really kind and gracious, and then changed up and left for Bangkok’s shopping district.
We walked around the area and managed to get a glimpse of the four-faced Buddha and a tour of Bangkok’s most exquisite mall. We then moved on for some real shopping at this mall called Platinum. To me, it was very much alike many of the centralised wholesale markets in China or Malaysia where there were small stores not exceeding 3m x 8m, just that they grouped the stores in categories and the whole place was much much larger than anywhere else I’ve seen. The prices of the goods were the incentive to Bangkok itself. This triggered the hormone in me and I started to splurge, and so did the guys too.
Just to illustrate the point, and justify my craze, average prices are as follows:
Had dinner at a nice local restaurant serving rather good seafood and most importantly, once again, cheap seafood. The epic highlight – one fresh oyster the size of half a palm going for 45 baht (around $2). I couldn’t help but relate the large difference in standard of living between Thailand and Singapore. Yes, it’s not the first time I’ve seen such a gap, but each time I feel it, I can’t help but appreciate our unrivalled growth rates resulting in the super-high standards of living we frequently complain of.
Before I forget, the best food I could ever have in Thailand was before the dinner – fried grasshopper. It isn’t the best because of its taste (which was like any normal fried stuff with seasoning), but because of the radical notion of eating insects – something I’ve always wanted to try. I vowed to move on to other higher-level insects but it did not materialise.
Oh and before the grasshopper was a game of darts which we all took turns to throw (there were perfectly seven darts per try). Pun, being the usual competitive and victory-hungry him, bought one more try and we all tried again. But the main point was the anxiety among us was spreading to the whole of downtown Bangkok with 7x well-trained 140dB voices.
The original plan after dinner was the famous/notorious (you decide) ping-pong show which we never got to watch due to fatigue. To summate the first day, we went to a nearby Tesco with seven on a car (epic!) to get some supplies, not forgetting the 25 baht ($1) per bottle beer! The car ride to and back was totally fun and epic. Whichever the case, we just went home, showered, lazed around and went to sleep.
Alright, that concludes Day 1 if I didn’t miss anything out. Truth be told, I’m starting to hate writing in reportive style like such. I don’t know why, I used to love it in secondary school. Okay, maybe reporting is okay but surely not narratve. Well, but to chronicle one of the best overseas trips I had, I shall do so. The next post will encompass happenings and thoughts for Day 2.
High: USMS approved, fruitful cohesion
Low: Rejected by SMU Law
Leaving for Thailand in about 8 hours’ time. Not that I love travelling, but I do find it a pleasure, especially with the right people.
Regarding people, we all ought to be open minded and no matter what we’re put in, take it in stride, yes/no?
In the larger picture, we all need to learn to be global citizens in an age when the Earth is shrinking just like ladies’ clothes. Soon, travelling must become part of a lifestyle and exposure to different cultures is compulsory.
Take Control 