Fulfilling, well-filled past week and part of this week.

• Started my intense driving lessons
• Right foot recovered from injury
• Did up some staff work and proposals
• Attended Allcare’s graduation (emceed for it actually)
• Had my first ART training! Very tiring though.
• Collected my SVM race pack
• Good rest on Sunday
• In camp for whole of Monday, some work too
• Last Arms Presentation on Monday 19 Nov
• Driving lessons and e-trial today, 20 Nov

Upcoming

• ORD FFI tomorrow afternoon (YAY!)
• More driving lessons
• Wisdom tooth operation on Friday, 23rd
• And the one month MC that it entails!
• SVM2012 on 25 Nov 2012 (Sun)
• IMOS cohesion on 30 Nov on civilian turf

Staying true to self

The past few days haven’t been fruitful.

So after my injury, I went to see my GP on Tuesday (I didn’t really have to hop anymore, as compared to Monday and earlier Tuesday). Got three days of MC and actually resoluted to stay home doing productive things like reading, blogging and writing but ended up watching videos instead. Damn unhealthy, without optical rest and what-nots. As of Wednesday night, I could more or less walk properly, but haven’t did any exercise until now, just to be safe.

At times I feel I just need an outlet for all the pressure in me. Self-induced pressure, highly likely. I’ve been caught in multiple struggles with myself – between gratification and wellness 90% of the time.

I’ve become highly sensitive, easily agitated, and trying very hard to curb my emotions as a result. That’s unhealthy too, I know.

This temporary house seems to have something wrong. I’ve been really lazy, become incoherent, and probably less intelligent both academically and emotionally since we’ve moved here. I just don’t feel right every day, and I need to escape.

I need to escape.

Hey yah oh yah

1. Is it just me or is the Navy singlet physically larger than a same-size Army one?

2. Gonna get all my 10-pack items from the new specs and officers akan datang.

3. Pre-Course Brief tomorrow at 7am, seems like a move to filter the weak. I am the weak HAHAHA.

4. Cross country training tomorrow, targetting a mid-19.

Best dream of my life

Sometimes, what we think we wouldn’t want and need most would just come right there at the moment. And at times, we just couldn’t control it, or resist its strength for that matter. The strength of emotion could at times overpower even those mentally strong and cognitively sophisticated, apparently made ready for such resistance but succumb to it when the time is ripe.

It was a handful of friends on an outing to a rural, mountainous area. I know we could never have this setting in Singapore, but it just somehow occurred here. I couldn’t name a plot location, but just describe it – more than 1000m above sea level, hilly terrain, worn-out houses, narrow roads littered with bicycles and motorcycles, and children playing freely while elderly men work on handicraft or steelworks.

Somehow, sometime through the trip, two of us broke away from the group. We were engrossed in talking about anything under the sun, probably due to the fact that we’ve grown rather close and comfortable with each other. We walked to a gentle slope and she sat down, with me still in awe of the wonderful scenery that view was offering – overlooking the road that could barely allow one vehicle to pass, and a sea view from god-knows-how-many-feet above.

I sat down right next to her. In the background was a magnificent setting sun, and that further catalysed the process of our hearts opening up. We talked about relationships, partners, and how tired life could get; and upon that juncture she lay her head on my shoulder. My heart suffered a spasm and then moved up a gear, not knowing how to react to such situations being single for the past 20 years of my life.

We lazed around for the next few moments, before deciding to make our way back to rejoin everyone else. We went down to walk along the road, and we could both sense that physical vicinity while we tried to get closer to the other party. When crossing a bridge that presides over a 200-feet cliff, I turned her around by the shoulder and looked into her eyes,

“I’ve got something really important all this while I need to tell you.”

She looked back at me, and seemed to have anticipated it without any surprise.

“And that is?”

“We’ve known each other for quite some time, and I couldn’t help but…”

With my hands trembling on her shoulders, she replied with a huge grin,

“Permission granted sir. From today onwards I shall be your girlfriend.”

With immense joy, I immediately took her into my arms with a huge hug. I had to finish my statement:

“I just had to let you know you’ve always been in my heart. I love you.”

We looked at one another, touched each other’s faces for a moment, and with the greatest achievement ever felt in my whole life, I grabbed her by her left hand, and we held hands as we continued walking and with her leaning on me. She wasn’t very pretty, she didn’t have a killer-figure, nor was she outstanding in any way. But at least to me, she was the shiniest star in the night sky, and I’m glad I’ve made the right decision at the right time. Upon reconnection with the group, we looked at one another and blushed amidst the cheering, congratulations and whistle-blowing.

It was the best dream of my life.

Obsession and Expectation

Something is really wrong with me for the past few weeks. That might have sounded like a one-off statement, so for some justification which I would need in time to come, let me just list down why:

• I haven’t been keeping up with my fitness plans and get lazy to work out.
• I’m getting really short-tempered, cultivated poor patience and high sensitivity.
• I can’t get my act right, get grumpy and keep staying negative.
• I think I’m obsessed with life and what I want to do in future.
• I’ve been very much a workaholic in NS which is a magnetic pull in me.
• I’ve been lazing around too much and getting too little out of life.
• Gratification seems the way I want to live my life now but I know it shouldn’t be.
• Yes, we tend to see our dreams faraway, and forget the beauty of nearby things. But gratification isn’t!
• I’ve been expecting too much from myself. Expectation provides aspiration and desperation.
• I’m not being myself. I’ve been too used to putting on a mask and pretend nothing happened.
• At the end of the day, I try to blame something or someone else, and then make empty promises to myself.

I keep telling myself to follow through what I want – to have the best possible, most desirable lifestyle. But I keep giving in to distractions that will sway me away from that goal. Well, whatever happened to the resilience I once had? Probably I really lack a true purpose in life. Since I found a pseudo one in making myself more intellectual in preparation for the next phase of my life, I became obsessed with it and I lost the ability to truly enjoy life as it is, and to do things at discreet pleasure.

Obsession is probably an example of my passion gone bad. I used to have great goals and interests in life, but I would accomplish them in moderation and handle-able rates of advancement, not like what I am now. That, I believe, is truly leading an active life. Not when aspiration becomes obsession, and then obligation.

And I am someone who expects a lot from myself. Really, really, a lot. As an individual, there are no two ways around hard work, dedication, quality of work, standards and excellence. I play Einstein’s “excellence is a habit, not an act” in myself, but that is what that has been killing me too. It seems as if that I could never attain that and that could never apply to me.

But I am still confident I am beyond mediocre. I am beyond exceptional. I am beyond the standards any T/D/H in the market could produce. But there is a time for everything. There is a time for hard work, a time for enjoyment, a time to waste my youth away. To be outstanding I have to make some sacrifices, but not to an already unstable emotional state that deserves the best at its prime.

Dazeeeeeeeeee.

Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to attend the Army Daze 25th Anniversary Musical held at the Drama Centre Theatre at the National Library, on Saturday, 25th August. A remake of the popular hit movie in the 1980s, it was, among other things, hilarious, enjoyable, light-hearted, and most of all, uniquely Singaporean.

The pre-show etiquette announcement was already full of atmosphere; and while trying their best to keep the classic jokes from the original movie, modern contexts were input for the younger ones. That way, they made it relevant and prevented it from looking like an ancient show.

What struck a little was the sudden turn of events after the intermission, where the characters got into conflicts which wasn’t shown in the movie. It appears, at least to me, as a subtle political tool to reemphasise the importance of serving NS to the younger ones in the crowd when the characters were encouraging one another with ‘politically-correct’ sounding words.

In any way, the loveable part about such plays is that they always allow us, the audience, to walk away not just feeling Singaporean, but identifying ourselves as Singaporean too. There was strong nationalism involved when the songs about the “Filipina Army” and “从大陆来的人” were implying heavy connotations about the roles of foreigners here and the parts they play in defending our country.

There is a huge difference in my emotions watching the play, and via the screen both before and after I wore green. Besides being able to relate truly to those jokes and mili-linguistics, I found that while all along I knew I could change lives, now that just reinforced it. Having a good laugh over something I’ll look back after decades and still have that same smirk – priceless.

Time and Attainment (1)

Surreality

It’s rather surreal – it’s as if it’s yesterday when I first enlisted, and now I’m four months to discharge. Yes, it’s as cliche as it can get, probably because I (and many of us) will probably just be another story in this journey taken already by 900,000 of our sons.

Time pasts really fast. Within 18 hours I would end my final confinement period. That means no more weekends in camp where we have only 7 instructors and say, 20 recruits? No more weekends burnt and feeling really down about it. No more weekends in camp to enjoy the silence and reflect. Yes, if in the right frame of mind, I’ll have all my Saturdays and Sundays from now on. But that means time has come to a bittersweet juncture for me.

I’ve come so far in my NS journey. I shall not dwell upon the details, but in particular in IMOS, having gone through all four compulsory confinements with up to 14 weekend days gone, and 85 duties and 20 admins, it’s about time. I’m left with about 12/6 or thereabouts. Looking back, the feelings that engulf is beyond words. I won’t miss the place, people, or sights, as much as I probably would miss the reality itself.

And as for attainment, I’ve attained a whole lot. But what is it have I truly attained? I sort of regret not enjoying each and every moment of NS, and it seems like the greatest attainment would be an effortless wait for that date to come. Is that all I want to chronicle as my sole attainment? Probably not. Many other intangible benefits with the most salient being maturity, I guess.

 

A Nation’s Celebration

I’m currently blogging this from camp. Slightly more than 24 hours, I was in the heart of the country, celebrating with hearts across the country. Yes, you may hereby consider me one of the luckiest 27,000 Singaporeans this year who got to watch the actual day of NDP 2012.

It is never a boring affair to watch Singapore’ NDPs, be it live or on screen. I went this time with my brother, packed some fast food, and proceeded in for the queue. All around the MBFP area were volunteers and SAF personnel, which made me wonder why am I not part of it. Either way, let’s get to that later.

What we saw at the queue area was basically the epitome of ‘the Singaporean model’ – people slipping in between others in queue whenever they could, pushing and shoving, holding family meetings across the barriers, worrying out loud about their concerns for the event and what-nots, etc., all of which I immediately chronicled mentally. Even in a mood of national celebration, have we been that seasoned to always get the best out of every situation and not just enjoy the moment? Well, that seems to be the case. But it is this very characteristic among us that put our 47-year-old tiny red dot on the world map.

We had strategically planned our route of advancement impromptu, so it was a combination of luck and sheer skill and agility that we got from home-MRT-station to stand in less than 90 minutes. As per usual brotherly practice, we discussed on the next course of action 15 minutes in advance, were alert for quick routes and overtaking lanes, and showed total interest only in parade and ceremony. So yes, nothing else very much bothered.

The atmosphere around the event area did not very much bring up a celebratory mood in me, but rather a more melancholic one. With so many of my peers, seniors, elders and others in society participating in NDP (and I actually met a few friends and even a colleague), it really made me wonder why am I a spectator when I can contribute to the nation’s largest event every year. To me, it’s one of the highest callings to do so. I later convinced myself that my turn will come, and that these two years in NS ought to be a blackout period for me. But once I ORD, the chances of participating in NDP would be rather limited, and so would the types of openings. In any way possible, it would still remain as one of my aims in the near future.

National identity isn’t very easy to come by. Having interacted with so many NSFs full of dissent and disdain with the nation for putting their life plans on hold, many of whom would take a private jet out of Singapore at all costs in wartime, I find an even greater sense of identity within myself and this nation. And going through NS and learning how to bear arms to protect my country if it calls for me, I know I would. In peacetime, rising up to the nation’s call would be to provide all I could for the only annual event that reinforces national belonging for my countrymen from all walks of life. There’s always a deep link between national identity and the military – those who have served would concur; those who haven’t will feel it for themselves in due time.

On the civilian side, I’m actually quite pleased to see that truly patriotic Singaporeans at the Bay. But where did they find their patriotism? From the stability, security, and the providence of a platform to realise their dreams? Then they are very wrong. It has to be something intangible – for instance, for the fact that this is where I am born and I will belong. It’s that simple. I can’t explain why, but that’s just why I would risk my life in war.

I am, on the other hand, 0.5/10 appalled seeing foreigners at the NDP. I admit I am slightly xenophobic (more like xeno-hatric) when it comes to this touchy issue, but I believe it should be an event purely for Singaporeans (with the exception of high commissioners and consulates of course). Should I go for a next NDP, I sincerely hope not to sight any Caucasians or Chinese mainlanders within the area. It just, in my opinion … does not feel right.

Whichever the case, our country will continue, at its best attempt with concerted efforts from all policymakers and citizens, to grow fro strength to strength. All these slight unhappiness at the MBFP are inevitable, but could surely be mitigated with that extra mile by every single stakeholder. I am confident, sure, and convinced that we will get there, just like how we got here in the first place.

Week 31

Took compassionate leave from this virtual location for survival-pivotal obligations of late. I’ve been up to a rather eventful week, coming to an end soon:

Monday 30/07 and Tuesday 31/07
Typical in camp day except with a documentary-filled course. It was great taking time away from work to watch some documentaries educative on disasters and failures of the past century, and the best part – skipping Tuesday’s 7km run (which I think I would rather participate). Missed my Monday BTT which means I have to book it all over again. Oh why must I always learn the hard way. It was an instance of human-neuro failure once again, and it has not been the virgin occurrence.

Wednesday 01/08
An elation-filled six hours of roaming around the island. I went first to NYJC where I met, in chronological order, Mr Seah MY, Ms Ng SH, Mr A Tan, Mr Sequeira, Mr G Tay, Mr A Low, Mr R Bong, Mr Leong CM and Mrs Chan KL. Rather delighted to have met almost all teachers possible despite having no signal from them. Well, that’s coincidence I guess. Went to GESS after taking a stroll around the campus, where I caught up with Mr Ang GC, Mr AJ and Mr Chan CL. And I’m glad I made clear my future plans to my former teachers, all of whom would, I suppose, be sufficiently glad that I’ve come so far. And visiting almas mater never fail to give a feeling of nostalgia – be it amongst the people, places or culture. Like I mentioned on Twitter,

@kohkl: You can never feel the exam mood in #NYJC.

Indeed. Times change, people change – students might be more ambitious or jovial, have more substance or less. NYJC can be going into an academic fixation cycle; or GESS might be on an aspiration decline spiral for all I care. Some things never erode over time – I just get that ever-familiar feeling – that gentle gust of bittersweet emotions blowing right into your heart, yet stopping by my ear to tell me that there’s no going back, as I walked past places that once bore large significance in my life, and the life that used to be.

Thursday 02/08 and Friday 03/08
In the opinions of many, returning to camp on the former was redundant and, like many other command directions in the armed forces, corrodes efficiency and was totally uncalled for. That day was critical for me in completing everything needed to finish running this course smoothly, ensures administrative prudence and diligence, and there is still more to complete today and tomorrow. As per usual, I procrastinated much and ended up squeezing all the work within minutes.

Friday made me discover an incumbent  issue with my environment and myself. Once again, I found myself misaligned with many others around me, but they were likely misaligned with the organisation in the first place. To me,

One conducts himself parallel to three directions: (1) That of the organisation, (2) That of the higher command, (3) Nothing.

I know I can’t expect everyone to have the same mindset. But I just can’t comprehend this commitment and professionalism projection issue going on within those who seem to not bother. So what if it’s something you’re not predisposed to? But excellence is a habit, not an occurrence. Yes, I’m someone who really cannot tolerate nonchalance and unprofessional behaviour. Really.

Saturday 04/08
We were having a discussion about how children of lower-educated backgrounds might end up with life and career prospects similar to those of their parents. It’s very much a culture and mindset problem that gives rise to such a viscous loop – one in which focuses are vastly different from those we are predisposed to. Eugenics must come into the equation to, so will opportunities and the mental model instilled in the child. It’s sadly true and real, and the rest of society can’t do anything about it. It’s up to them to fight for themselves, as much as the community would encourage them to.

Eventful Night.

1. The root cause of all problems is attitude. Of which bad ones breeds anger, which never translate to something good. Why can’t we just make our lives easier?

2. At the end of the day, we will all just become acquaintances who don’t really matter to each other. To be honest, my concern might not be sincere. But would I?