Dear Singapore

Originally posted as my 15th Facebook note at http://www.facebook.com/notes/kl-koh/dear-singapore/10151050780602479

In response to: http://therealsingapore.com/content/saf-insensitive-towards-deceased-nsfs-family
Which brings me to a few other topics regarding soldier and parents’ mindset I would like to bring up.

First of all, calm down, Singapore. Dear TRS and netizens, the card might probably be a SAFRA, Chevrons, or Aviva card, and these organisations might be affiliated to the SAF but their administrative lapse have nothing got to do with the SAF. Probably the family of the deceased failed to cancel them via the respective clubs, and hence they are still mailed out by system.

Yes, I am defending my organisation. Fighting for my organisation, in my opinion, and as bizarre as it might sound, is one of the most purposeful things I could do in a short and contract two years. If any other individual says untrue things about SAF, even on the day I collect my pink IC, I will still react similarly.

The mindsets these parents have are really irking me to the core. Conscription isn’t something desirable, not even for me. We all yearn to complete it as quickly and smoothly as possible, but in the meantime, we ought to make full use of the time and learn how to defend our country, for if not us, then who?

What irks me more is the military-society relationship I see as a strife in our increasingly information-based society. As a matter of fact, for those calling for more safety safety is rigourous enough, but human errors are bound to occur, let alone the ambiguity of the ‘soldier mentality’ checkbox on the RAC card. What have happened, I believe, are isolated incidents and a result of unconditioned young men serving the nation. It’s simple – if you’re not fit enough, make yourself fitter, not get your parents to complain, get your girlfriends to cry, get your aunties to write letters, get your uncles to talk to your commanders, get your brothers to talk to your PC, or get yourself to your Member of Parliament. This isn’t how consrciption works. If we continue to play the blame game, we’ll make a huge mockery, which observers are already seeing.

Yes, commanders can be equally young as men, but WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT“none the wiser than the boys they are tasked to oversee”. We are of similar age to understand each other better, not to undermine the importance of responsible and sound decision making. As a commander, I fully understand that decisions can separate my men from life and death, but we are rigourously trained in responsible decision making that would take into account of soldier mentality, welfare, safety conditions, mission focus. I am adequately trained and rightfully entrusted to make decisions and take care of my peers, and don’t need “more stringent monitoring of staff who oversee NSF, to weed out abuse of power at all levels” .

As a matter of true fact, my boss trusts me, I trust my boss; my men trust me, and similarly, I trust my men. My men are everything to me and I have never once put myself before them. I have that mindset right in me, hence I am in the business. If any of my fellow commanders have the audacity to deviate from that course, I would banish them from the training and man management fraternity at all costs. And of course, I have absolutely not seen or heard of any abuse of power in the SAF in my 20-month tenure so far; if not, similarly, at all costs.

And if all pre enlistees were to go through a more thorough pre-enlistment check, I suppose there would be no one left to defend Singapore. Everyone screened to be slightly unfit would likely push their way to get a PES E9L9, and that would leave our Armed Forces with a brigade of keyboard warriors. Given further the health habits of youngsters today (such as binge drinking, underage smoking, sleep patterns, or intense video-gaming), there would be only a handful left fit to protect our frontline should there be a more in-depth medical screening. The apparent (though not true) touch-and-go system still has its benefits in keeping our soldier population combat-fit.

Yes, they might be pseudo combat fit, which means that there might be some underlying, undiscovered, or undeclared health problems (not declaring a previous health problem is commonplace, and I propose we should all take a less apathetic stand to our own health). But the purpose of two years in the Armed Forces is to keep our boys’ body and mind healthy, and to toughen them up if they are not already so. I personally have a host of back and breathing problems and childhood diseases, and declared them, and still getting a PES A from the checkup. I didn’t complain, I didn’t whine. I wanted to make myself stronger and tougher, so I simply took a ‘load up and charge’ mindset.

Parents always call for MINDEF to be accountable to them, but how accountable do they want MINDEF to be? Just like kindergartens, where teachers report to parents every day? “Oh, your child has been well-behaved today!” Or post Facebook updates? “The 248th battalion is currently going to Sector 3A for an urban capture exercise. The enemy strength is two times lesser, smokes and blanks would be expected. Troops are to enter from west and flank south. Do not shoot hostages. Contact command post at channel 13 for reinforcements, channel 15 for reports.” Sounds ridiculous? No they don’t, the requests do. MINDEF can’t possibly update each and every parent on the whereabouts of a serviceman and what they are doing. If parents want to, they might love to insert GPS chips into their sons and place a third eye on their foreheads (but have them dismounted in red zones though). Applause for ridicule. A soldier is a grown man, and the onus is upon him to inform his parents on his unit life, and commanders on any mission-based worries he might have.

If all these were to happen, I think we would become a mega-joke to other Armed Forces. Militaries around the world pride themselves on being fit, tough, and able to take whatever comes their way, be it unexpected missions, unfair situations, or in this case, the passing of a comrade. If the young men in line to serve the nation can’t even embody these simple qualities, we can forget all the talk about the seven core values, and forget about CTF151, Ops Flying Eagle, Ex Bersama Lima, etc. We can have the best troops making friends and displaying tip-top professionalism to others, but there is zero significance in all those if back home, our young men cringe and whine over injuries and the inability to resist tought training.

All soldiers would it isn’t easy simply to train as a soldier with a load, sometimes your buddy’s as well, on your shoulders, much less in a situation when we come back from exercises, spend four hours unloading, recovering, and cleaning our weapons, and then hear such ear-itching comments when we sit back and relax the next weekend morning.

Dear Singapore and my fellow countrymen, if you had a glimpse of what I do but can’t explain, what I feel but can’t describe, what I think but can’t articulate, you would totally understand me, and the purpose and significance behind pouring out my heart and soul in training my men to their fullest potential.

Hey yah oh yah

1. Is it just me or is the Navy singlet physically larger than a same-size Army one?

2. Gonna get all my 10-pack items from the new specs and officers akan datang.

3. Pre-Course Brief tomorrow at 7am, seems like a move to filter the weak. I am the weak HAHAHA.

4. Cross country training tomorrow, targetting a mid-19.

Emotion

Quote

I feel the sudden urge to protect and provide for someone again.

Best dream of my life

Sometimes, what we think we wouldn’t want and need most would just come right there at the moment. And at times, we just couldn’t control it, or resist its strength for that matter. The strength of emotion could at times overpower even those mentally strong and cognitively sophisticated, apparently made ready for such resistance but succumb to it when the time is ripe.

It was a handful of friends on an outing to a rural, mountainous area. I know we could never have this setting in Singapore, but it just somehow occurred here. I couldn’t name a plot location, but just describe it – more than 1000m above sea level, hilly terrain, worn-out houses, narrow roads littered with bicycles and motorcycles, and children playing freely while elderly men work on handicraft or steelworks.

Somehow, sometime through the trip, two of us broke away from the group. We were engrossed in talking about anything under the sun, probably due to the fact that we’ve grown rather close and comfortable with each other. We walked to a gentle slope and she sat down, with me still in awe of the wonderful scenery that view was offering – overlooking the road that could barely allow one vehicle to pass, and a sea view from god-knows-how-many-feet above.

I sat down right next to her. In the background was a magnificent setting sun, and that further catalysed the process of our hearts opening up. We talked about relationships, partners, and how tired life could get; and upon that juncture she lay her head on my shoulder. My heart suffered a spasm and then moved up a gear, not knowing how to react to such situations being single for the past 20 years of my life.

We lazed around for the next few moments, before deciding to make our way back to rejoin everyone else. We went down to walk along the road, and we could both sense that physical vicinity while we tried to get closer to the other party. When crossing a bridge that presides over a 200-feet cliff, I turned her around by the shoulder and looked into her eyes,

“I’ve got something really important all this while I need to tell you.”

She looked back at me, and seemed to have anticipated it without any surprise.

“And that is?”

“We’ve known each other for quite some time, and I couldn’t help but…”

With my hands trembling on her shoulders, she replied with a huge grin,

“Permission granted sir. From today onwards I shall be your girlfriend.”

With immense joy, I immediately took her into my arms with a huge hug. I had to finish my statement:

“I just had to let you know you’ve always been in my heart. I love you.”

We looked at one another, touched each other’s faces for a moment, and with the greatest achievement ever felt in my whole life, I grabbed her by her left hand, and we held hands as we continued walking and with her leaning on me. She wasn’t very pretty, she didn’t have a killer-figure, nor was she outstanding in any way. But at least to me, she was the shiniest star in the night sky, and I’m glad I’ve made the right decision at the right time. Upon reconnection with the group, we looked at one another and blushed amidst the cheering, congratulations and whistle-blowing.

It was the best dream of my life.

Obsession and Expectation

Something is really wrong with me for the past few weeks. That might have sounded like a one-off statement, so for some justification which I would need in time to come, let me just list down why:

• I haven’t been keeping up with my fitness plans and get lazy to work out.
• I’m getting really short-tempered, cultivated poor patience and high sensitivity.
• I can’t get my act right, get grumpy and keep staying negative.
• I think I’m obsessed with life and what I want to do in future.
• I’ve been very much a workaholic in NS which is a magnetic pull in me.
• I’ve been lazing around too much and getting too little out of life.
• Gratification seems the way I want to live my life now but I know it shouldn’t be.
• Yes, we tend to see our dreams faraway, and forget the beauty of nearby things. But gratification isn’t!
• I’ve been expecting too much from myself. Expectation provides aspiration and desperation.
• I’m not being myself. I’ve been too used to putting on a mask and pretend nothing happened.
• At the end of the day, I try to blame something or someone else, and then make empty promises to myself.

I keep telling myself to follow through what I want – to have the best possible, most desirable lifestyle. But I keep giving in to distractions that will sway me away from that goal. Well, whatever happened to the resilience I once had? Probably I really lack a true purpose in life. Since I found a pseudo one in making myself more intellectual in preparation for the next phase of my life, I became obsessed with it and I lost the ability to truly enjoy life as it is, and to do things at discreet pleasure.

Obsession is probably an example of my passion gone bad. I used to have great goals and interests in life, but I would accomplish them in moderation and handle-able rates of advancement, not like what I am now. That, I believe, is truly leading an active life. Not when aspiration becomes obsession, and then obligation.

And I am someone who expects a lot from myself. Really, really, a lot. As an individual, there are no two ways around hard work, dedication, quality of work, standards and excellence. I play Einstein’s “excellence is a habit, not an act” in myself, but that is what that has been killing me too. It seems as if that I could never attain that and that could never apply to me.

But I am still confident I am beyond mediocre. I am beyond exceptional. I am beyond the standards any T/D/H in the market could produce. But there is a time for everything. There is a time for hard work, a time for enjoyment, a time to waste my youth away. To be outstanding I have to make some sacrifices, but not to an already unstable emotional state that deserves the best at its prime.